KomradApex

There are some things I need to talk about. First of all, I'm deeply sorry for leaving you all for so long. Between my grandfather's passing, my recent bout of depression, some brief financial difficulties, and what Ateliae did to me after all this was said and done, I have not wanted to use this account. I dearly hope no one thought I'd harmed myself. That was my main fear, asides from continued harassment. Rest assured, I am alive and well, if a bit shaken.

Ateliae actually did do everything I accused her of. I was forced to make that apology by a mutual friend. I wish to emphasize that this friend had good intentions and genuinely seems to think I am at fault, but I do regret just wanting this ordeal to end so badly that I just pretended I'd done everything myself and went into hiding. I'm sorry. I should have held my ground.

Here is the exact wording of the notes I sent Ateliae which kickstarted this whole mess. I think I was very clear, not to mention very generous. I said she didn't have to worry about finishing anything she owed me if I was busy, As you can see, I even told her to keep the money I'd given her for my commissions if she was actually short on funds. If she genuinely didn't have enough time or money to finish my stuff in the next two months, she would have accepted my offer to not finish them at all. Due to deviantart's rules I can't provide a link to the notes themselves, but I will gladly show the screenshots of these notes to anyone who wants to see them. I'll even make a cell phone video of myself opening my browser, logging in to deviantart, and opening my inbox if anyone really wants me to, or if Ateliae claims the screenshots I have are somehow faked. I'm sick of being forced to lay low and pretend this didn't happen.

I was a good friend to Ateliae. I gave her gifts, I genuinely worried and prayed and offered to talk to her whenever she was suicidal, I never talked back when she started insulting and criticizing me constantly, I never called her out for her non-stop harassment of another former friend of hers, I intently listened to her talk about her problems, and I even let her overcharge me on commissions. You see that gas mask avatar I commissioned from her? She charged me $120 for that because it was a commercial commission, even though I was just planning on using it as a Spotify avatar. I'm serious. I'll actually show the paypal transaction and the contract she made me sign, which has both our signatures on it, to anyone who might find that hard to believe. I even attacked that former friend who she told me to go after. I didn't want to, and I know now that it was still sick and wrong of me, since I could have just said "No, do it yourself." Ateliae did not tell me that the poor girl was suicidal at the time, and I thank God that person did not hurt herself. Much to my surprise, I've been forgiven by that person. Maybe they feel sorry for me, but even then, I feel grateful. And yes, I know I should not have done that in the first place. But Ateliae has a real talent for making people feel special. She'd always congratulate me after shaming someone with her; in the case of her former friend, she even said "I like how you left her with nothing to say XD" after I went after her and her watchers. This was due to an incident when Ateliae made a journal "exposing" them that was taken negatively by even Ateliae's own fans, and Ateliae thought the backlash must have been due to this person orchestrating some reprisal.

My therapist says I have PTSD, and if that sounds overly dramatic, they suspect it's only because of the money. I spent almost $1500 in total on commissions with this person, not counting gift art, and that art trade she didn't feel like finishing. Ateliae has tried her darndest to pretend I said the opposite of what I actually did in my notes, and I don't understand why she would go so out of her way to attack someone who was always so obedient towards her. It just doesn't make sense, and as I said, if she didn't feel like finishing my commissions, revisions, or the art trade, she could have just accepted my offer to forget about doing them. It would have been unprofessional, but less so than blocking me. She even changed her business email so it would be harder for me to reach her, and her claim that I could have contacted her via notes is dubious because she never even told me that was even an option. Since she'd changed her email and blocked me on every site, I highly doubt she left her notes open. I actually did manage to reach her once on deviantart, and she responded by blocking me again. If she had genuinely wanted me to contact her via a note, she would have said "I would prefer only speaking to you through notes, please." I also sent her messages via mutual friends asking what was going on, and I guess she ignored them.

I can actually forgive her for hating me for some unexplained reason and taking so much of my money. I should have known better than to think I'd be treated different from the other friends she's had and discarded. What I can't forgive her for, is remaining "friends" with me for a good ten months during which she had some sort of complete hostile reaction to everything I said. Not to my benefit, I doubled down and started being even nicer to her, and that only seemed to make her get worse.

Ateliae sent me a note after my complete meltdown in those journals I'm sure you've all seen in which she still said, "I just didn't have the time to finish your art". This makes no sense. I kept saying, again and again, in my notes, that she didn't have to worry about it. I honestly don't know what her deal is. Even then, she could have just sent me a proper refund and been done with it and this whole mess would have been avoided. I sent her a note back saying, "I never said you had to finish it", with a link to a sta.sh image of the original notes I'd sent, and she did not respond. Actually, she did kind of respond, by reporting the sta.sh image of the notes. That was a real dick move, since even though it did show a personal correspondence between us, Ateliae herself was the only person I ever showed it to, and that was because I wanted to show her that I was correct in my statement. She obviously knows what was actually said, especially if she's going to report the notes simply because they show that she had the option to say "I'm busy, thanks". 

 is my new account. Feel free to follow me there, but only if you want to. I don't want anyone to feel forced to be my friend. I apologize for my overemotional reaction to the initial incident, and how fragile I must have seemed during those ten months of hell during which I would cry while reading what she was saying to and about me. It just felt surreal that in the end, she was the one who blocked me, and not the other way around.  I will also kindly ask Ateliae to leave me alone at my other account unless it is something vitally important, since I've seen some evidence she's been stalking my KomradApex account. Some of you might recall I logged in to this account a few times after the incident but didn't do anything like talk to you guys. That is why. Ateliae will often stalk people she blocks, since she is very concerned about preserving her image. The scary thing is that the only reason I know this is because she's the one who told me that. And again, I have discord chats saved of her telling me this, if she wants to say that's a lie. I honestly hope she leaves me alone. I spent so much money and effort trying to prevent this from happening. If she didn't want to be my friend anymore she has the right to do so, but lying and stealing is not acceptable.

I realize Ateliae is never going to apologize for what she did, or how she could justify treating a friend this way. But I am holding out hope that I will someday get an explanation. I just want to know what her deal is.

My grandfather has pneumonia and heart palpitations. It's looking pretty bad. I wanted to see him in the hospital but I don't have any energy right now. I've been drinking coffee and wondering when he'll die. I've been told I shouldn't visit him if I'm out of sorts, but it's a surreal feeling. I love him dearly. I know he and my dad had a complicated relationship but I hope they'll mend the rift before he goes.

I also wanted to clarify my initial journal. I'm not a person who tells fibs, and the examples I mentioned about bad treatment of me and others by that person was factual, but I had even thought of providing a compilation of screenshots as evidence. Yes, I was THAT petty, which was very hypocritical of me. ...and, even without doing that I ended up making it a callout journal.

I should never have made that public in what was supposed to be a concise journal. I also want to apologize for saying outright cruel things in the comments about this person. At the time I had believed my words to be true but that makes it even worse, really.

I let my petty grudge get in the way of my better judgement . I want to emphasize they handled my journal and poor behaviour well. In my opinion they would have had the right to blow up at me for bringing up old wounds, stuff that they probably hadn't even intended to be as bad as it sounded. They were very polite.

I hope this is the last I'll have to talk of this.

A user I know said my last apology was poorly worded and I have to agree. It was worded defensively as a partial attack which wasn't my intent at all, believe me. Please forgive me, as I am under stress. Turns out the reason my grandfather was sent away in an ambulance is heart-related.

I should have known they'd never do what I accused them of. Ateliae had been a good friend and I should have not jumped to conclusions.

This is all my fault and I'm sorry for what I did. Ateliae, it's fine if you can't forgive, and I do understand that you don't want to speak to me anymore. I really wasn't trying to say part of the blame lies with you, in my last journal.

Thank you for fulfilling all your obligations. You don't owe me anything. I know this is my fault. I'm sorry for believing malicious people's stories when I had known you for years. You're not the sort of person who would do that.

I understand that you must feel angry, and you have the right to. You didn't deserve this. I apologize for anything else I've done.

I'm so sorry.

My grandfather is in the hospital now. He's very, very sick. Please pray for him.

Please pray for me too. There's been so many mistakes and misunderstandings lately. I tried patiently to fix a problem for months. Eventually I snapped at being ignored and now I regret it.

, I am sorry if I was harsh on you for merely misunderstanding a note I sent. I do wish you'd asked me to explain but I know that people are often cruel to you. You've had friends turn on you before and that's probably what you thought was happening. So I may have jumped to my own conclusions as well.

I also apologize for forgetting there were other places I could reach you. My family has been suffering lately; I'm not going to say for certain that's why I've been haphazard in my thinking, but it might be why.

My editor did not scam me and you really did make me cry and then get mad at you when I'd ask for it to end, but I acknowledge that my words could have been unclear at the time. I did think it wad strange since I don't think you're the type who would do that knowingly.

I'm sorry if there is anything I'm forgetting. I am still hurt by your misunderstanding but I should have just let it go from the start. Please know I only intended for my journal to bring attention to a problem. I didn't make it because I wanted you to suffer.

My actions weren't intended as hateful and I really did try as best I could to reach you through private avenues and by asking others for their advice. I don't undetstand why you think I was insisting you finish the art trade etc. I thought I'd been clear when I said not to worry about it. That said, my handling of this was awful and it must have seemed very upsetting  for you. I'm sorry for making a bad thing  worse.

Thank you for your professional language when you gave me the download link. I'm not good at apologies but I hope what I said lets you know that I never wanted any of this.